Stuff About Me that You Could Care A Less About

Many people think that artists lead bohemian type life styles, buck the establishment, dress weird, never comb their hair and talk like Queen Elizabeth with a lot of big words and snobbish gestures. Welllllllll let me tell you, I don't know any big words!!!

Although I was born with a paint brush in my mouth..... none of this silver spoon stuff for me..... I may be just a tad more creative in my endeavors than some, cry at cartoons more than others, think it's funny when someone falls down, think political correctness is well........incorrect and sorta march to a different drummer at times, in fact march when there is no marching allowed.

So if you want to know "things" about me, I have written a few morsels down that you might find interesting. Not a lot of boring stuff, well maybe some, but more on the lines of how I tick or tock depending on how you take it.

I try to think of life as a huge adventure. I don't know if that is good or bad! But I am stuck with it. So welcome to my land of insatiable insanity.

Oh yeah, I just love what I do! I can't put it any plainer. So just think of my pages about *stuff* as *conceptual art*. After all, artists are suppose to be different, strange, creative, and not like normal people.....right?

These pages will tell you about me and the now infamous " Van from Hell" and my show and crafting adventures. You will also find out about the world's worst neighbor....mine....... and my very special dog........ Niles Minden.

Stuff You Really Didn't Want to Know

I am a mature soul, 4th level, with no essence twin, for those who know about this sort of stuff.

I have a Bachelor of Arts in Advertising Graphics and a Post Graduate Degree in Illustration.

I worked for Glencoe Publishing as a free lance artist and assistant copy editor.

I decided to become my own boss....whew!!! and at times I can't stand myself! I am such a taskmaster....geez someone ought to fire me.

Oh ohhh, the van from hell has been on another adventure. On its way to San Francisco it got a New and Artistic paint job....just to tick my neighbor off of course....annnnd NEW tires!!! Only because they were trying to be Firestone wanna be's but didn't let me know! Something about too much weight hanging off the back end.....hmmm. Anyway just the back ones though...I didn't want her to get spoiled. See the new pretty white letters. Hey, does it look like I'm burning rubber now?

We pulled through and did make it to San Diego; now with a brand new transmission that left no scars. The van parts are now worth more than the van itself! But thennn guess what? I was in a parking lot and can you believe this? Yep, I bet you can.........the V from H was hit by some dinky little car!! The guy gets out, raises up his hands, jumps back in his car and takes off..............I didn't get to hurl my expletives at him which ticked me off more than anything else. Anyway, there was no damage to my sweet baby, but she does need a pick me up now. I will have to think of something to make her happy and calm her down from this traumatic episode.

Recipe for Making *your* Vehicle Beautiful

I have been flooded by emails lately asking me HOW do you make your van so great looking. Ok, well two.: So I am about to divulge my secrets on how YOU too can do this.

First get yourself the oldest, meanest, discombobulated (look it up) piece of crap that you can find, but still in working condition. I'm proud to say that mine is a 1986.

Second make sure it is NO longer on the Kelly Blue Book Price List. This allows you to add or subtract value at your leisure, hassle and care free.

Thirdly the clear coat on the paint job should already be gone. If it's not, it's in too good of condition, so you may want to make another choice. Mine was an import from Texas, so that should tell you something right there!

Fourthly the real paint job should be down to just barely covering the surface of the metal and peeling. My van used to be that luxurious deep gold metallic color. So you can see how far you have to let it go. Added bonus's are an open hole in the roof about the size of a quarter. This is to let rain in when you need it, a hole in the floor drilled through into the gas tank, to add aroma as you cruise about, a cracked windshield is a must, a radio that the tape deck....(no CD players, puleeese,) is broken and of course, MUZAK SYSTEMS stick on letters that have been pulled off the side of the car and have left fade marks, or any other previously owned business advertising.

NOW you have yourself a WINNER!!

Go splurge on some of the cheapest poster paint you can find. Get yourself a USED old house paint brush, preferably with some of the bristles missing. Then go at it! I am an artist though, so I do frown horribly on people who use stencils....I shudder at that word.....but I have been know to forgive in a few rare instances...Ok none.

Now, I do have a few warnings, but they can all be ignored.

Poster paint can stain your vehicle and you will have to wax it to take it all off. This will ADD value to your car, so I do not advise doing this. Just paint it over and over and that will solve that problem for you. Left over paint from a previous artistic endeavor is an added bonus adding to its beauty.

You will attract attention, as in the time I got pulled over by a cop who thought I might possibly be smuggling illegals across the border. Be prepared!

And then there was the time, I pulled up in front of the Hyatt Regency and some horrible really stinky smell came bellowing out (not my husband this time!) and something, don't know what it was, fell off. The snooty French doorman, of course, was mortified that I was even within 5 miles of the hotel, but picked up this belt type object and asked me if it was mine. And I said....well, not anymore!!! I asked where I could park my beauty and he almost fainted.

And last of all, it is possible, but not probable, that your neighbor may also not enjoy your piece of art work. My neighbor is an old fart without a life of his own. So you could tick them off and proudly acquire an order of your very own. Now I consider this to be a great achievement if you get this far. So if any of you do reach stardom, I would like to know. This way we can start a support group and then we will know how to handle this notoriety with CLASS and be able to piss off anyone at our leisure, no holds barred!!

OK, so there you have it!!

Please remember that Van from Hell has been trademarked, so you will have to come up with your own clever name. And the recipe is a secret, so don't tell anyone. shhhhhhhhhh

After last years several near death experiences, my van feels very proud and delighted to be alive, well and breathing. Hey, it even passed its smog test! Every other year, I go into cardiac arrest hoping and praying that it will pass. It is a very stressful time for the both of us, but some how, it always manages to pull through. Plus I think giving the guy a big tip helps. Thank God, its not giving birth......although that would be hysterical.....then my neighbor would be the one having the cardiac arrest. Hmmmm something to think about....

Chapter One Stuff About Me

Chapter Two Mountain Men and Llamas

Chapter Three Introducing El Blanco

Chapter Four Off To Hollywood

Chapter Five It's Beginning to Look A lot like Christmas

Chapter Six The Day Before November 16th

Chapter Seven My Neighbor

Chapter Eight More of Him

Chapter Nine The Grand Finale

Chapter Ten El Blanco Grande Rules

Fire From Hell

Butt Ugly Houses

Niles Minden

Letters to Niles

Van from Hell Fan Mail

My Portfolio

Making Art

LA Times Story and Niche Magazine

Testimonials