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Off to Hollywood
OH MY GAWD!!! Are you ready for this? I'm sitting in my studio, paints in hand, TV going, big ol' cold Pepsi and a handful of Skittles. My mouth is one big gooey mess and the phone rings. You know, like the guy with the peanut butter and no milk! This other guy on the phone starts babbling about lending my items to put in an old time country store for several weeks. My first thought is this. What?????????????? This is worse than consignment........(under pet peeves). Not only does someone want my things now, but they want to give them back too!
So I ask this guy to back up and start over. Guess what? He forgot to mention one little teeny itty bitty thing...............He wanted these things for a movie.
I faint. I knock over the Pepsi and Skittles take off like guided missiles and go flying around the room. Almost put the eye out on Niles. As I come up gasping for breath, but of course being realllllly cool, I go "Oooooooooh"? So I ask a few more questions and he puts me on the phone with the Art Director. We talk some more and after understanding and working out some things, I decided to go for it.
Then the next day I start getting flack from a bunch of friends who are looking out for my welfare, that this may be a fraud/scam thing going around. So I start checking phone numbers and addresses on the internet and they are all coming up negative!! Geeeeeeeeeeesh, now what am I to do? Sooooooooooo I hop in my car and go looking for the building down in Holllllllllllllllllllywoooooooooooooood. I find it too! Without actually getting lost.
Being the great sleuth that I am, and having read manyyyyyyyyy Nancy Drew books, I call the Art Director again and instead of shipping my things off to the studios, I manage to get an appointment for lunch with her instead. Now I'm so excited that I have peed my pants more than once and have to lose 20 pounds in three days!!!
Another friend of mine asked me if I was going to wear my Paris Original or perhaps one of the dresses off the rack on Rodeo Drive. "Penny, I say, they don't have off the racks on Rodeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-O Drive!" (That's with a long e!) I'm thinking more thrift store dress and arriving in the Van from Hell myself...........LOL. But being the true California Girl that I am, now I have to go to the trouble of looking my best and getting serious about this. After all I do have an image I must keep up for the state and humanity!
What to do, what to do.
Getting Ready for Hollywood in 9 Easy Steps
The first thing is, you have to lose some weight. You know if you aren't anorexic around here, you are just too too fat. So you go and get a body wrap when time is of the essence. They put all this goop on you and then wrap you in saran wrap. You sort of look like a mummy but they don't do your head. I think they don't wrap your head so you don't have that one eye thing going on. They also leave your arms free, but you *will* have the mummy walk! There is just no way out of that.
Ok, now how about those wrinkles? It's off to Botox school. You can't get a real appointment in time, but you can get novices to practice on you. So what if your upper lip becomes a drip tray for your nose! You wanted big lips anyway, right? So you get the laugh lines smoooooooooooooooothed out, sorta, and the lips done with collagen. You are looking mavaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaas now. Unfortunately I don't have time for the "deer in the headlights" look, so I will regretfully have to pass on it this time.
Wait!!!! Do you get the tan before or after the Botox? Well, it's too late now. You get your teeeeeeeny weeeeeeeeny butt crack bikini on and go lay down in this coffin like machine, that zaps lights on all around you while you listen to music and wear plastic blinders on your eyes as you sweat and burn. Wow, is this fun or what?
Oh ohhhhhhhh, gotta get that boob job. How many sizes up do ya wanna go? "C", "D" or "hittin' ya in the face" when you run size? Ohhh there's that time factor again. Guess I will have to opt for the sock stuffing instead. Hey, it still looks pretty good.
Now if I wear pants, I'm in good shape, but if I wear a dress, I will have to have all the cellulite sucked out of my legs. I think I could squeeze that one in. They just stick this big ol' needle/hose thing in, ram it around for awhile chasing after those lumps, and then suck it out like a vacuum cleaner. Eureka here I come! I should have bought stock, when I had the chance.
Have to have the nails done. What do ya think, fake french with the white tips and the squared off look or bright red with pointy ends and perhaps a genu-whineeeeeee 24K gold butterfly glued on.
I could go with both! I think the pointy would look good on my toes, don't ya think?
I've already made my eye brow appointment. She managed to get me into a cancellation and it will only cost $25 a brow. I'm a little short on cash right now, so I decided to have one done and do the other one myself. Hey, I can do it! I'll wear my glasses.
Also I need a tattoo. Now, I know, I know, what are you going to look like when you are 85 years old sporting a hula dancer around on your leg?
Oh, have one up here. I already have the belly button ring. See I have an outty one, so I had it put through the sticky out part so it looks like a door knocker of some sort. Pretty darn cool, I have to admit and I can change colors anytime I want to!
And one last thing should do it. THE HAIR!!! Now this is a biggy because you don't go out if you are having a bad hair day. I don't care how important it is. You just don't do it!! It is written in the 11 commandments. Now if Moses says, you can not be seen on bad hair days, then it must be so, after all it is written in stone.
Soooooooo what kind of hair??? I could choose Farrah, but then I would be dated. But I really like that swing thing you can do with your head. I could put it up in a bee hive, but I don't think the grocery store carries that many bottles of hairspray all at one time. I've done the pointy thing in gel in different colors, and quite frankly, it bores me now. I'm thinking of maybe getting it cut and doing the Meg Ryan thing. But then, I suppose, I could just get up out of bed and leave it the way it is. Oh my this is sooooooooooooo hard!!! One thing I do know. I will leave it my real color, Clairol #56.
Ok, I'm pretty much done and have reached perfection and nirvana at the same time. I have achieved the California look! a completely and totally natural looking beauty...........
Am I Famous Yet?