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Salt & Pepper Page 4
November 15th, 2002 And Beyond

Chapter One Stuff About Me

Chapter Two Mountain Men and Llamas

Chapter Three Introducing El Blanco

Chapter Four Off To Hollywood

Chapter Five It's Beginning to Look A lot like Christmas

Chapter Six The Day
Before November 16th
Chapter Seven My Neighbor


Chapter Seven My Neighbor

Chapter Eight More of Him

Chapter Nine The Grand Finale

Chapter Ten El Blanco Grande Rules

Fire From Hell

Butt Ugly Houses







Niles Minden

Letters to Niles

Van from Hell Fan Mail

My Portfolio

So Ya Wanna Do a Craft Show

Making Art

LA Times Story and Niche Magazine

Testimonials
chapters:  1   2   3  4   5   6   7   8   9   10
Continue to
Chapter 6
Have you ever felt like your life is like one huge circus act?
I had been off at a show working my little buns off when I got home late one night, and there it was...................an ominous message of doom. A teeny tiny little blurb on my answering machine from an unknown person stating: be in court at 8:30 tomorrow morning or die!

Now I say to myself....... what the %&#@ is this all about? Bet you can guess what it was about, can't ya? We are being attacked by our neighbor.............again. He wants to extend or renew the restraining order on the pride of my life. Soooooo being on our best behavior and not bothering him for 3 years isn't good enough for him, I guess.

Just anticipating the November 16th date must have been driving him insane, so in retrospect, I just love the fact that he has been torturing himself. See what is so great about this is, you don't even have to do anything, and he will go bonkers on ya! It's so nice to have such power and not even even know about it or to even have to give it a try. I guess we have been blessed. I will say a Hail Mary or Betty or whatever later on.

So we show up the next morning out of the kindness of our hearts, because this is NOT a legal serving and he knows it! I think he should be whipped with a wet noodle, myself.

So there they are, our neighbor and his new lawyer, this little weasel guy who looks like George Stepanapolispqnzxrlopsosssquoooooosis on TV. This guy has a living breathing spore infecting cold from hell and is out sharing the same air with the world. Good grief, he is a plague carrying kootie bug! Why on earth does he want to go to court when he should be sleeping in and keeping his disease infected body to himself. (My guess is that our neighbor has gone paranoid over night with the upcoming day of revenge looming upon him and is demanding instant retribution without a fair trial.....shame on him.) We should have bought George a plane ticket to Iraq because he could have waged a germ warfare all by himself. So we go in to court, allowing our selves to be exposed .......to only have the stupid case postponed for a couple of weeks more and to find out it had only been filed the day of "the message". Now you tell me lawyers aren't beady eyed reptilian underhanded demons! Where was our 10 to 15 days notice? We know better now though. You don't have to show up for shenanigans like this.

That very day the Van from Hell gets vandalized! Myssssssteriously the back window gets broken out. Gee, I wonder how that happened? Does baseball bat sound about right? I doubt very much it got struck by lightening. Me yes, the van, no. Do you think someone got mad because they couldn't pull a fast one? And just think about how the V from H felt over this. How am I ever going to make it up to her? How could anyone take it out on an innocent van who is just sitting there minding her own business looking cute and adorable beyond belief?
So now she has to sit there with duct tape on her back window.............. which is trying to hold together 10 million little pieces of glass from falling out all over the ground. She has a gapping hole in her window.........like........ like the Titanic!!!!!! My Gawd, those spiders will get back inside now too! Oh how I shudder. So the DH whips out his good tape, not the ordinary silver kind, but the really really nice red stuff used for our very very best things, and gently secures her huge bleeding hole. All is well for awhile, I suppose. But I better not find anymore blazing attacks on the love of my life.



So now we are on a quest. Our first quest was for the Holy Grail, but Monty Python beat us to it. The nerve of some people.

We go out and hire the biggest, baddest, meanest, people eating lawyer we can find. Oh..... Ed, comes to mind! He is a retired criminal judge. Yep, yep, yep, I think he can do the trick. But he is about 2000 years old and we are hoping he doesn't kick the bucket before our next court date. I like Ed. He is tall, big and has a bellowing intimidating voice. Just the correct thing for scaring little George. Always remember, who ever has the scariest lawyer, wins. Right away, he tells us that our neighbor hasn't got a snowballs chance in hell of winning anything. That sure does make us feel pretty darn special and our neighbors lawyer look pretty darn stupid. Ed writes back a 16 page encyclopediac (yeh I know that's not a word) reply to our neighbors eight year old stale by gone case.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Wha hoooooo and giddy up. Can you tell we are ecstatic???? So does our neighbor give up!?! Of course not, that is why he is one of the dumbest people on earth. I think they should get a vaccine for that, don't you? Perhaps with that small pox thing, we could slip one in. I will have to find out if our local scientist has found a cure yet.

Well, we go on vacation and when we come back, we have to go back to court. What a great thing to come home to right? Now you can see why the court system is sooooooooo messsssssssed up, because of stupid dumb crap like this continually going on. We go back into court for the second time, and because our neighbor still thinks that snowball isn't going to melt, they post pone the session once again because there isn't enough time to debate it. Debate it!! What for................the guy is going to lose big time and he knows it up front! So does George! Poor, poor George, he has no idea what he has gotten himself into. His client is the wacko of the universe. Yep, the whole wide universe!

Weeks go by and we are back in for the third time to find out the case has been more or less dropped by Mr. Wacko. So we have all been subjected to a great amount of wasted time and money. Why? Because now our dumb ass neighbor doesn't want to pay his lawyer any more money! (Told ya sooooooooooooooo.............over the years this is his 5th lawyer....they either didn't get paid also or they found out he was a dumb ass too.) HA HA HA But ourrrrrr silllllllllly neighbor wants us to sign a paper of what he wanted to win in court. HA HA HA We just about busted a spleen over this. Of course I could have peed my pants again out of dying from laughter, but why waste a good pee on him? Why would we sign a paper of what he wanted, that he just lost on? Do we look like turnips? Then his lawyer wanted us to shake hands for the sake of shaking hands. Yeh, the lawyer with the kootie bugs! No wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Jose!

Yes we are still talking Spanish, since we just got back from Puerto Vallarta. Didn't know we were multi lingual, did ya?

Soooooooooooooo, I guess it is over for awhile. Maybe........who knows. I think it depends on whether they keep our neighbor on his meds now.

But the poor Van from Hell is going through depression. She is not getting very many fabulous paint jobs anymore because of the demise that is awaiting her. (You know, that being put to sleep thing.) She can't run around now either because her back window will fall out. And she got wet........ yes it rained here last week after about a year. Well getting wet is causing big giant gobs of melting rust to fall off of her. I think she might be contracting a case of leprosy and she is getting a wee bit bald on her roof. I heard the leprosy thing was going around again...........and it wouldn't surprise me if George the lawyer has had some help in spreading it about. Buttttttt we have taken precautions. I call it preventive biological technological self preservationary tactics. She has been wrapped in...... no not duct tape! Besides the red is for dress up only remember, and we don't have enough of the silver stuff.............but, we have found something that is quite suitable for her anyway. It shows off her great personality, goes with her gleaming gold paint, is warning everyone of her delicate condition and is quite worthy of her racing abilities.

Oh did I tell you we took her racing? Yes we entered her in the "International Van Racing Association" aka IVRA. And do you know what? She won a race. Yes, she sure did. It was against a sleek black extended van with dingle balls hanging from the roof. My guess is those little balls slowed that black floozy down just enough for my sweet heart to whomp butt on her.

And she won a few flags.
Just look at that proud grin beaming on her face. But it seems that the rushing around the race track has left her a little breathless and all her red stripes fell off from the speed! I haven't figured that one out yet. She must have been going awfully fast for them to just fly off like that. Maybe we can find them.

Oh but anyway, here is her new do. I took pictures all around her so that you could admire it from all angles. Also, she likes showing it off. You knew that by now......didn't you? You can also just tell these things, if you didn't know. I mean, in all the times I have beautified her, this is only the third time, I have added "accessssssssssssssories" to her decor. So this is very special indeed. The first time was when we put Christmas lights on her for Halloween , but I didn't take pictures then because I didn't know she was going to become so darned famous. If only I had known!
That is "PARTS" with a "P"!!!
So I wanna know, what do ya think? Isn't she just the cutest thing on wheels? Sure she has a few problems, but you can see past that and into her inner beauty, can't you?

Oh yeah, geeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss, I almost forgot to tell ya!!!! This is good now, get ready for it! Hold on..........here it comes!

THE RESTRAINING ORDER IS OVER!!!!!!!!!
My baby is again free, free, freeeeeeeeee,

and allowed to roam throughout the galaxy,

pillaging and plundering to her hearts content!!!! Oh what a glorious day it is!!!!!!
But you think this is the big ending, don't you? Nope, fooled ya!