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Chapter 9
                                                   Looks like we finally solved our parking problem!

  The End, Really

I am in mourning right now. You may send all donations to the Van from Hell Fan Club.

As you already know, this day has been coming. It is such a sad moment for me. The Van from Hell has been the love and beauty of my life since 1990 and it hurts me so to have to put her to sleep. Actually, being the magnanimous van that she was, she is going to become a parts donor. Until her very last breathe, she will be giving life to other vans through out the universe. And when she is reincarnated, and I know she will be, she is coming back as a brand new shiny Mercedes. Probably one of the CLK ones, since she used to like to race about and look sporty.

All though she was adopted, she was one of us! A family member never to be forgotten. This is why it is so hard to say good bye.

I must say that she did go out with her hood held high though. I will always give her credit for being there when I needed her and sticking it out through thick and thin, whether that was trying to go up hills, being obnoxious on the freeway or learning how to fly. She alwayssssssssssssss gave it her best shot. And as a final farewell she even gave the Simi Valley Cops one last run for their money. As we were planning her demise, she gave us the final big shit eating grin and left me a present. Out of respect, I guess. I mean I can't even come up with things like this if I tried.

She always seems to have the last laugh. And she did. I guess that is because she was such a charmer with a terrific never ending sense of humor. I will miss that greatly.

On her last night of being parked on the street, what does she go and dooooooo? She gets a "warning ticket". On her very last night!! I can not believe it. In all the years I owned her, she never got a ticket. I believe she must have flipped off a cop that night out of sheer delight. That little devil! She has been parked there for a year and no one has ever said a word about her being there until now. Not even my loony nasty neighbor, although he tried with his last futile attempt in court.

Here is her present to me. Isn't it wonderful? Down at the bottom, it makes some sort of statement about her being abandoned. I would Never abandon her! They were wrong in thinking that I did.
Officer Slavin didn't do her justice. How dare he call her Gray! She was Gold!! Gold like 24K Gold. Gold like the sun, Gold like King Tuts tomb, Gold like in Dabloons. You know Golllllllllllllllllllllld!!!!!!
Her battery was gone and her paint was worn off a bit, so maybe this swayed his capacity in recognizing colors. She had a broken side view mirror and finally even the duck tape couldn't save her back window any more. But there it was, her farewell gesture to the rest of the world. Her final rally call. Her tribute to "I can still cause trouble!".

She was a proud van. A big van in her own right. A Van of power and self esteem. She was the mightiest of all vans. You can tell this just by looking at her.

I had asked our Gardner, the week before, if he wanted her for free. I really wanted to find her a new home. He actually turned me down. You would have thought I had insulted him. I thought she would have made him proud by carrying around his tools, but noooooooooooooo, he was appalled at the thought that I had even suggested it. I just thought, well..... it is his loss.

So at 9 in the morning on February 19th, 2003, the phone call came. Pick Your Part was coming over to take her away. Oscar came riding up in his souped up testosterone tow truck. Not the tonka type trucks, the sophisticated snooty ones that aren't for hire. He pulled up in front of the wrong house. I stood outside silently crying. Maybe he would just leave and I could put off the inevitable, but he soon discovered where the lucky owner really lived. His eyes lit up and he roared with laughter when he laid eyes upon her Golden beauty................not Gray like that Cop said! How dare he embarrass the love of my life by laughing out loud within her hearing distance. I had to tell him to keep it quiet.

He strolls on over to read her odometer. Just another number to him!
Oscar starts to sign the papers to take her away. He won't look at me. He is embarrassed that she is dangling off the back of his truck. At least she is still breathing. His last job was collecting dead bodies to take to the morgue. I am NOT kidding. It really was!
For some reason he thinks he needs a hard hat! My Gawd, I taught her better manners than that! Sure she farted on the freeway once in a while, but she's old! She can't help it! She has accidents! But she would never hurt anyone. But I guess he thought he needed protection from her and that she was dangerous in some aspect. He asked me if she was radio active because of the caution tape wrapped around her. I was waiting for him to whip out his haz-mat suit! I said of course not! She just dressed up for the occasion. She's a lady and she is vain.
I heard Oscar tell her to say Awwwwwwwww. as he jacked up her front end. She groaned a little and tilted a bit, but soon recovered her composure. She was going to definitely leave in style.
Oscar gets back in to his tow truck. He slowly starts down the street. He says not a word, but hides his face in shame. I stand there, waving farewell to my beauty , gasping and choking while holding back the tears. It is a terrible feeling. One that I never want to have to experience again.
And then it is time to take my final picture of my beloved van. I shall miss her. She is now gone, but not forgotten.
But Oscar didn't leave me completely alone and depressed. He left me a present too. Can you believe he actually paid meeeeeeee, to take her away. Yep, I got a check for her! See here it is!!!! I got a whopping $125.00!!!!!
I'm going to go buy another van now!
Junk!???? How dare he call her Junk!
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Chapter One
Stuff About Me
Chapter Two Mountain
Men and Llamas
Chapter Three
Introducing El Blanco
Chapter Four
Off To Hollywood
Chapter Five
It's Beginning to Look A lot like Christmas
Chapter Six
The Day Before November 16th
Chapter Seven
My Neighbor
Chapter Eight
More of Him
Chapter Nine
The Grand Finale
Chapter Ten
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Fire From Hell
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