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What does a Midget Cop, A Terrorist,..... I 'm Sure, and My New Van have in Common?
El Blanco Grande Out Wits, Out Plays, Out Does the Van from Hell!
It started off as a normal day. Normal for Caleeefornya that is. We have had Noah's Flood Mark Two over the last two months and finally got some sunshine. For those who's homes didn't slide off the hillside, live in a trailer park that was built in a flood zone, or have a man eating honest to God , African real live tiger on the loose in their valley, everything was pretty much just like always. Andddddd my first show of the season had just ended and I was on my way home.
Now this show was not that great so having to clean up all this crap, I mean art, is a downer. But popping a few chocolate Cadbury Bunny Eggs and chugging a diet Pepsi, makes one a happy camper once again.
So we are coming home...........me and my DH.............going at a whopping 12mph on a Saturday night on the San Diego freeway. Just cruising along and minding our own business. It was about 6pm and it had just turned dark out. We were going up the hill near the Getty Art Center and were literally stopped dead on the freeway.
Now in Caleeefornya we have two major parking lots to store our vehicles on. The Ventura Freeway and the San Diego Freeway, both of which will drive any human or alien on earth batty within 5 minutes. So we are stopped. Dead. Not moving. Nada, nothing .................when BAMMMMMMMMMMM a-rama ding dong, out of the clear, .........well dark............., night sky, a giant, humongous, beast hits us from behind. Now this guy must have found a 30 foot free zone on the highway and gunned it like a Winderski-Winkle AA Fuel Dragster.......... Making it a race for the space.......... and beating out 5 other cars who wanted that same spot.........Unfortunately he used my van for his brakes.
So my big brave hunk of a man, oh wait a minute...........my DH gets out and walks back to discuss the infidels driving technique, as he does race race-cars. Now mind you we are in the car pool, fast lane...............LOL...........that was a joke.............near the center divider. There are no fast lanes in Caleeefornya. And that giant crash was caused by a dinky Toyota Tercel of all things. Being as I am fully loaded.................that is with glass and displays units, I'm quite heavy,........... my van that is, .......so that makes crashing into my van like crashing into the Rock of Gibraltar. You haven't got a snow balls chance in hell of getting out of this without a little teeny bit of damage. This small but cute Toyota goes flying backwards after ric-o-shaying off my van.........El Blanco Grande,...... (he man monkey noises here)............and lands 20 feet behind us. Upright, I might add.
"Shit" I say, lady like.
So the DH goes back and says............."I hope you have insurance." Being in this state, ya never know since they let illegals drive all over the place now. So the guy hands my husband his wallet with his drivers license in it. I go........ are you sure this is his drivers license? It says: Piotr Tadeusz Najduch, obviously a native of this great country. Now I swear this looks more like an eye chart test but the guys says, that is his name. As he hands us his wallet, .......duh, smoke starts coming out of his car with the accompanying aroma of cooking rubber and a warm romantic glow starts filling the night darkness. Traffic is now piled three high on top of each other across all lanes. I figure I better call the cops. This is causing some minor problems. Remember we are all used to this sort of traffic but this might be getting a tad out of control.
I call 911. I wait. I call them again. I tell the dispatcher there has been an accident going north.......blah blah blah. She goes "What kind of car are you driving? " I go a big-o white van. I figured she didn't know who El Blanco Grande was. She goes "What kind of car is the other one?" At this time I didn't know what it was........I couldn't see it from where I was sitting, as it was dark out. She keeps asking me these stupid questions to verify where we are at. Finally I say, "We are the only ones on fire on the freeway." And the warm glow has now turned into a raging inferno.
Shortly there after a Hell's Angel comes up to help us. So now we are going to get robbed??? No,........ he was very nice, .........scary..........., but nice. Then another van pulls in front of us, and the eye chart test guy goes running up to him to see if he has a fire extinguisher. No he doesn't. This is now not looking too good, but would make a great Hollywood movie crash scene. See there is positive stuff in every predicament. Next a cop gets there. He gets out of his car and comes up to my window...........I mean literally. The guy is about 4 foot 10 inches. We figured they must be paying the CHP's by the inch now and the more of them you could get into a car, the less cars they needed to use. And he had a Gang Banger accent from the Bronx. I'm wanting the Hell's Angel back now. This guy carries a gun. We are not sure about the Hell's Angel.
Then three fire trucks and an ambulance show up. They are yelling at us to move the van forward so we don't explode. Explode????? Another "oh shit" leaks out of my mouth. So we pull it forward next to one of the fire engines. Its gotta be safe there. Meanwhile the whole freaking freeway is now closed down.
I turn around and the guys car is shooting up 20 foot flames. Where are the marshmallows when you need them?
There are flares everywhere. They are like popcorn dancing on the street. You could feel the ambient temperature rising from the enraged drivers who now have to wait for everyone to stop playing with the firemen. Darn. And I know this guy was a left wing radical because he nailed my "Bush" bumper sticker straight on.
They now have water shooting everywhere. Bet ya, Saheeeb wished it was raining now. You could see the fire in his eyes as he kept kicking the living shit out of himself. No wait a minute, that was his car burning. When its all over, there is a charcoal briquette also known as flaming filet of yank, Peking style, left sitting in the middle of the freeway. And the firemen says he has never seen anything like this. They only put cars out when they have been deliberately torched, he says in a marveling tone of voice. After all this you would have thought this Toyota was a Pinto.
There are broken things all over in the back of my van. I am afraid to look right now. So I will put it off for another normal day in Caleeefornya.
So we filled out a bunch of papers and the cop brought over the paramedics because I was freezing out there and my DH cut his arm a little. But I got a freeeeeeeeee firemen blanket out of all this! Now how cool is that? And I'm gonna keep it forever. It will make a wonnnnnnnnnnderrrrrrrrful memento.
Then "WE" get to leave. There is no more traffic and we have a clear ride the rest of the way home. Woooo Hoooo!! Why? Because traffic is still backed up for a million gazillion miles due to the gigantic mess, all the cars have been funneled from 5 lanes down to one, and Piotr Piotr Piotr is still standing there looking for a ride home.
I say, "Not my problem!"